Baseball was fun this week for three reasons: 1.) Home Run Derbies. 2.) The All-Star Game. 3.) Current and former New York Yankees were doing things.
You’re darn right baseball was fun this week. It was the MLB All-Star Game down in Miami. Pitbull was there trying to get a slice of that Miami Marlins ownership pie. Dale! To the surprise of absolutely everybody, Miami did an incredible job hosting the Midsummer Classic. Like no fish tanks exploded. They remembered to keep the roof closed because it’s hard to hold a candle in the Florida summer rain. So No Rain, no
Mo Problems. Good stuff, Phish peoples.
More people showed up to All-Star Weekend in Miami than Marlins Park will garner in attendance when the rival Washington Nationals come to town. That’s okay, the Marlins still outdraw the Tampa Bay Rays. Tuesday night had more people at the old Orange Bowl than the Rays will draw in a month. It’s cool. Martinique was in town and Jordan Morris had to channel his inner Chris Pratt and score some goals for America on Wednesday.
Anywho, it was amazing to see a game that truly did not matter. People watched it and didn’t care about dumb stuff like home-field advantage. Just win your ball games, Astros and Dodgers, and you’ll get it. We promise. While there weren’t a Whole Lotta
Love runs coming across the plate around 9:30 on a Tuesday night, the Junior Circuit did set the bar for Morris to reach at two goals against that French island nation down in Tampa.
Not to say that we need more glorified exhibitions in baseball, but this was a fun one. The Home Run Derby was cool too, and we’ll get there in a minute. Trust me. Though the game did go to extra innings and our pets’ heads were about to fall off because ties don’t belong in baseball, just soccer and apparently the NFL, it was an exciting game to watch from the sixth inning on.
That was the four best innings of baseball that didn’t matter in a long time. Here’s some pictures and YouTube videos to click on because it’s the All-Star break, but we don’t stop making baseball fun each week because that’s what Friday mornings are about, right? Probably not, but whatever, here ya go, guys!
Our favorite giant Yankee went yard a lot in Miami
Somebody saw a nice spike in his allowance this week. Cap’n Happy Jack has never been prouder in his entire life. His giant adult son Aaron Judge channeled his inner Paul Bunyan and baseball turned Marlins Park into his own personal pinball machine. With those batting practice fastballs, he became a bigger Pinball Wizard than that dumb, deaf and blind dude from London named Tommy.
We won’t get fooled again to think that some Giancarlo dude is going to beat the long-arm of the law in a home run derby. Who are you to think this kid isn’t alright? I can’t explain it, I think it’s Judge. Gonna say it to you before I turn blue in the face. This giant dude is gonna save baseball. He’s got 99 Problems, but crushing homers ain’t one.
Also, it’s almost football season, so Go Dawgs. I’m gonna link to some Baba O’Riley because I can, so I will. Don’t worry, I’ll end up crying Behind these Blue Eyes when Kirby Smart does something dumb against, I don’t know, Vandy in Nashville.
Yadier Molina is a photography expert and hair-whipping enthusiast
The St. Louis Cardinals aren’t very good this year, but Yadier Molina is the champion of catchers. Unlike his older brothers, he’s probably going to Cooperstown because he can handle a bat better than Ozzy Osbourne. In a low-scoring affair, he gave the Senior Circuit its only run on this glorious long ball. He celebrated like a champion by whipping his hair back and forth like Bryce Harper or Willow Smith or whatever.
That was really cool and all, but he was even better as a photographer at this All-Star Game. Seattle Mariners slugger Nelson Cruz NEEDED a photograph with umpire Joe West, so Yadi channeled his inner Walter Iooss Jr. and made a tremendous Kodak moment for the whole Cruz family to enjoy until the end of time.
I mean look at this photograph. If you clicked on that, I’m sorry because you just got some Nickelback on you. So here’s a link to the best Photograph song ever and I promise not to trick you this time. I really wonder what Filter Molina used on said pic. “Could you take my picture? Because I won’t remember,” is probably the rough translation from Spanish Cruz said to Molina. After approving the picture, he had to have no doubt said, “Hey, Man. Nice Shot!” I really wanted Yadi to win All-Star Game MVP, but his team lost, so ha!
Bryce Harper is about them Dallas Cowboys and NEEDS to know about Dak
Bryce Harper loves baseball. He also loves his native Las Vegas. While the Raiders are coming to town at some point, the dude’s a Cowboys fan NEEDED to know in the middle of the All-Star Game how Dak Prescott was gonna do. He picked the right Dude to ask in lead FOX play-by-play guy Joe Buck, who calls the NFC with Troy Aikman.
It was pretty cool for Harper to just straight up ask about Dak mid-ball game. Except for the Washington faithful. The monkey’s out of the bottle and Pandora doesn’t go back in the box, as Harper told the Greater Washington area he’s a Cowboys fan and doesn’t believe in Hailing to the Redskins.
No, Harper doesn’t like that. Ooh-wee, is his MLB free agency going to be interesting here shortly. He may not stay in the nation’s capital because of that whole not going to win playoff series thing. Getting to the NLDS is fun, but winning one is definitely funner. Harper may have lost some Redskins fans of his on Tuesday night, but he might have gained a few more in America because he cheers for America’s Team. How bout them Cowboys!
Who knew that these Mariner guys were fun?
It was amazing. Somehow, some way, the Mariners were the funnest team in baseball this week. Nelson Cruz and Robinson Cano need to be at every All-Star for the rest of the decade because these guys were a hoot and a half down in Miami. They were taking pictures, ripping on their American League teammates in the dugouts. Oh yeah, Cano hit the game winner for the American League in a game that didn’t count.
That’s the allure of the Mariners. On paper, they should be better. This is an amazing video game team that hasn’t ever been to a World Series. Whatever, these M’s won the All-Star Game and that’s a morale victory that matters. It’s about time some idea of offense came back to the Pacific Northwest. For as much coin as Cano makes for the M’s, he hit that dinger for free. So thank you, baseball.
No, the Mariners aren’t catching the Astros in the AL West, but you better believe that one day before Cano and Cruz stop getting paid to be the champions of not making the postseason, the Mariners are going to make the postseason and it’s going to be great. Winning the All-Star is about them baby steps, y’all.