Yadier Molina had the need for speed, but didn’t really fly down the line. Aaron Judge loves to strike out and other stuff that made baseball fun this week.
If you’re a Los Angeles Dodgers fan, life is tremendous right now. Your team is going to win every game until the end of time, unless you’re just this decade’s version of the 2001 Seattle Mariners, than baseball is a little less fun.
A little bit of a theme this week in baseball: if you were pretty bad at something this week, you’re gonna get rewarded for it. We don’t just appreciate greatness here. Even the Losers get lucky sometimes, especially when they’re Runnin’ Down a Dream. Look, I’m not gonna back down just because You Don’t Know How It Feels to be me: Soy un perdedor.
Sure, it’s tough being a Giants, Phillies or White Sox fan but don’t get crazy with the Cheez Whiz, spray paint the vegetables or use a guitar string to do anything but create musical fusion. You got a disease and the only solution for Stickittothemaneosis is more cowbell.
Bruce Dickinson is all about them gold records, so be a Trooper about it. I don’t know what you’ve gotta be so morose about it. It’s
wedding baseball season! In the words of Mr. Robot on that train that one time: Exciting times, exciting times! So this week, we’re gonna enjoy the finer things in our baseball l like slow dudes, people striking out a lot and every reason to be afraid of the baseball. Here’s your pictures and YouTube videos to click on and stuff.
Yadier Molina has the speed of smell
When Yadier Molina thought about going to Boston to start a new life, he didn’t realize he was going to be that slow to the punch. Shortly before hearing another amazing rendition of Sweet Caroline (Bah! Bah! Bah!), all Yadi wanted to do was be so good, so good, so good, so good. Instead, the slowest dude on Planet Earth hit into a 5-4-3 triple play and it was Sad Kung Fu Panda in Fenway.
He looked like the understudy to Tom Berenger in Major League. It was a whole bunch of knees, elbows and not getting to first base on time. If you ain’t on first base, you’re last. Too bad in baseball Yadi couldn’t use the good ole Shake N’ Bake to draft off Cal Naughton Jr. to win the 90-foot dash. Sadly, Dewey Cox was too busy catering at the Catalina Wine Mixer.
Aaron Judge LOVES to strike out
All Rise to watch Jack Jorgensen’s giant adult son strike out all the time. After taking his talents to South Beach to beat the snot out of that delightful sculpture Derek Jeter HATES, it’s been a lot of Sugar, We’re Goin’ Down swinging for the big guy.
He’s going No. 1 with a bullet to lead the Junior Circuit in dingers and Ks this year. Judge might the reincarnation of the still living Dave Kingman. Maybe we need to get the late President Palmer to teach The Bronx’s some baseball voodoo stuff because he’s having a little Trouble With the Curve. While Clint will tell him to get off his lawn, I’d reach out to JT ’cause he Can’t Stop the Feeling‘ he feels about feeling good all the time.
Derek Jeter HATES that Marlins dinger statue
Besides getting shot by Mark Wahlberg in that movie that one time, nothing bothers Jeets more than gaudy home run statues with fish on them in South Beach. So he’s gonna buy the fish dudes at the market and throw that iconic dinger sculpture into the Atlantic Ocean.
The good news is the Lost City of Atlantis will be gaining a new monument very quickly. While they don’t know what a home run is…yet, they’ll find out really quickly and start to be baseball fans. Think about all the commerce it could bring to Florida if Atlantis decides to get over itself and rejoin the mainland? Merpeople will definitely consider about maybe coming to Players’ Tribune Park sometime soon.
Pretty sure this isn’t how you catch a baseball
You know what? If you decide to go to Fenway Park wearing a pink shirt to photograph a dude throwing an eephus pitch before a Sox game, you better be ready to part of the action. Like why don’t photography protect themselves? Photographs are important, but so are your boys, dude.
Taking a beanball to your beans in Beantown is not a good look, no matter how great you are at flash photography. This is why you only need to take photos with an iPhone. You’ve got one hand to snap a few shots and another to make sure nobody is Playing With the Boys on your volleyball court. Don’t be a Maverick, get yourself some Ice Man, Goose! Over-exaggerated non-verbal chomp by bottom-tier Batman.
Yu Darvish wants zero part of hitting baseballs
Few things in baseball life are better than former American League pitchers trying out how to hit baseballs. Bartolo Colon and Ervin Santana made us laugh. Yu Darvish has joined the club with the best team in baseball in the LA Blue Dudes.
I mean, who wants to do something they’re not good at ever? It’s awful. Like can’t the Dodgers pay some to do this hitting a baseball thing for Darvish? He has ZERO interest in doing this hitting thing. If the opposition can strike Darvish out 27 times a game, the Dodgers might not win the World Series. Just saying.